Over the past couple of days, I’ve been going through training for a position with a certain Democratic fundraising organization. When I first found the job, it seemed like a good fit for me—flexible schedule, simple job, and it was related to issues that I feel very passionately about and went to school for. It didn’t seem like just another mindless job to cover my bills. It had the potential to be something I could be proud of even if it was just temporary.
Still, I told very few people about it and swore my husband to secrecy. The last time I had an interview for an awesome job, I told everyone about it and was incredibly embarrassed when I didn’t get the position. I don’t plan on ever making that mistake again.
My “training” (unpaid…not sure if that was even legal?) up until today continued to make the job seem promising. I learned a lot and even came home with some sales skills that I feel I can confidently list on my resume. But then some major red flags popped up. When it came time to fill out the hiring paperwork, the scheduling process and pay scale was explained. It was very, very different than what I had been told during my interview. When I realized this, all of the negative reviews about the company that I had read started to flood my mind.
If they could lie to me from day one about the job, how could I know that they wouldn’t manipulate my hours and pay scale? How could I confidently say that the money I was asking from donors would actually be used for the right causes?
I hesitated briefly before leaving. I mean, is my financial situation bad enough for me to overlook the red flags? No, it really isn’t. And when it does get that bad, I’d rather go through a temp agency with straightforward policies instead of a company that misled me from the start.
On the drive home, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being ashamed for passing up an opportunity to begin supporting myself again. Was I just being overly picky? Dramatic? Unreasonable? What if all companies are like this and my expectations are unrealistic? It was enough to bring me to the edge of a frustration meltdown.
And that’s why I’m writing today. My first failed attempt at employment has left me feeling ashamed, angry, and like an utter failure. And it was just a temporary job!
The idea that a job is the measure of success is so ingrained in my head that I literally just wanted to come home and cry when it didn’t work out. Never mind the sketchy employers and red flags. My inability to immediately have a good, respectable job straight out of school is a sign that I am a failure.
This is an ideology that I desperately want to change. Not just for my own wellbeing, but for those out there who are just like me. The way careers work today is not the same setup that we had been sold on during our years in school. I get so pissed when I think of how many times I had been told “do what you love and you’ll get a good job and never ‘work’ a day in your life!” What a crock of shit.
Unfortunately, no amount of anger in the world will change the way things work. So I’m just trying to change my mindset. I want to get to a point where I define my success by the quality of my relationships, not my job title and paycheck.
It’s not going to happen overnight. And I imagine I’ll have plenty more frustrating interviews and employment circumstances. But maybe with each situation I can learn to train my brain for a different feeling other than failure. Like any habit, it will take support, practice, and conscientious reflection.
Moral of the story: Don’t let society make you feel like a failure because you don’t fit the mold . Don’t blame yourself for situations that don’t work out. And DEFINITELY do not ignore bad reviews of companies that you are considering to work for. Avoid those lemons whenever possible.
Life As Morgan Knows It 